So I said to myself...

I’ve been thinking…

Just whose hands are these anyway…

mine or His?

Is there a difference?

Is there such a word? Because you know I’m not opposed to making one up.

It’s the only way I know to explain it. Like I’m walking around today looking like me, sounding like me, going through the motions of me and yet…Everything looks and sounds a little odd.

I struck up a conversation with him, ==>> right over there, as I often do with people in this coffee shop. It began ok but after a while became a little weird and surreal as if someone turned the volume of our dialog way down. As he continued on with his monologue about his Life (happens to me all the time, I make a great PollyAnna), I wasn’t hearing him as much as I was completely keyed into his body language and facial expressions and something else that he was exuding, something unfamiliar to me. As I tried to read him and be in the moment…it hit me like a sopping wet sponge. FUTILITY. Loud and in bold letters. I didn’t recognize it at first, it’s so foreign to my thinking (Just call me Polly, I’ve managed to drop the Anna).

I’m trying to just ignore it now and focus instead on our intermittent conversation. (later) Ok, he’s not hearing me at all. Now the “love” I’m supposed to feel for this guy is on it’s hands and knees sneaking toward the door, great…thanks. Suddenly Self feels the need to move or go wash my hands so this stuff doesn’t get on me. (ok, maybe you should just call me Gwen and forget Polly and Anna)

What is Futility really about anyway and is it a mind over matter issue? Because if it is, someone should tell him. He’s still sitting right next to me, the Futility in his mind is visible now. Thick streams of gray hopelessness are running down his legs. I try not to stare at it and instead I concentrate on his mouth forming words I can’t hear. I’m not staring but I know they’re there…thick gray pools at his feet like some kind of heavy glue. It’s making the soles of my running shoes stick to the floor. I’ve got to get out of here.

I’m not the same person I was a week ago. Again.
I finally laid myself down and let the Master reshape some things.
I have new eyes.
The view from here is no longer cloudy but in perfect focus!
Passing on through this throng of indecision
I have urgent things to attend to.

No building required,
nor paper degree,
What I am about
Is the Masters decree.

Shevolution.

Squat, you know, like find a group of people or a cause or a ministry and squat on it. Claim it. Stake my flag on it. Leave my fingerprints all over it and call it Mine. Put a protective fence around it and require permission to enter. Give myself wholly unto it. Pour my time and energy into it until I am exhausted and spent.

Squatting usually comes with a title, a list of duties, expectations and is performed in a building, usually on Sundays and sometimes even with mediocrity because it’s not our passion. Ok, maybe that is a bit unfair, but…

While this kind of serving sounds all righteous and committed, I’m thinking that for the majority of us it’s dangerously close to a religious service project than God’s Plan. Instead of Ministry Squatting with some undying commitment to duty, what if our single focus was finding and following God’s plan for our life, whatever it is and wherever it leads? Why is this even a struggle for me? I mean, God would not write a plan for my life from the beginning of time and then play hide and seek with it.

My struggle? Yielding. Yielding my squat…I don’t like Yielding. I’m not even fond of the letter Y. I’m a peddle to the metal kind of girl. Do first, ask questions later. Translation…I think it might be…Agenda masquerading as the more pc term Goal. Doing for the sake of doing just because I can.

I’m working on redefining my Squat. I want to be so on Mission with His plan for me that I disappear and all that remains is a Funnel. A Funnel that HIS energy flows through, instead of mine. A Funnel for His gifts and talents which almost effortlessly sustain the work; His work…and my Passion for it so great that even in exhaustion or frustration I’m completely Spiritually and humanly energized. I want to be so invested in the Plan that to move on to a new thing is as exciting as opening the cover of a fresh new book…maybe a long awaited sequel where the character is familiar but new adventures await…

Yep, I’m thinking…thou shalt not squat.

update from previous post…

Prayer works. Well whaddya know…

You know, that I’m amazed kind of ticks me off a little. I should be further along my faith journey than this I think. I think when these events happen I should not even flinch when God answers. But I do. Whenever these prayer things happen (not as often as they should), I either feel like its some kind of psychic juju, I’m a closet Charasmatic, nothing wrong with that now, unless you were raised a stiff Baptist <grin> or that I’m going to look like some flaky tv evangelist..(except I could never get my hair that perfectly coiffed; nor do I have time to start making and selling prayer cloths. Oh but Dung if I had just thought of that last month when I was broke(n)…things could have been so different!)

The truth is I believe God would do this everyday for all of us if we just listened and obeyed. Did I not say just in the previous post (backporch blog) that ”our lives are entirely too loud”? I quieted mine internally and then this prayer thing happened that very night. I think it happens to a lot of people but we chalk it up to not sleeping, take a Luminex (edit: ok, someone just emailed me that this is a brand of lightbulb or something, not a drug. oh well…I’m sticking to my story) or a PM and go back to sleep or just lay there whining because we can’t sleep, like I usually do. I challenge you to ask God if He’s waking you up next time and see what happens. If nothing happens, take a PM and go back to sleep. Bet you won’t.

Thanks to those of you who knew this was for you (and know how insecure I am) for taking the time to IM and EM and post or call your encouragement. It *is* good to know that I am not a raving lunatic. To point glory in the right direction and to encourage you that God uses really imperfect/near crazy people (that would be moi) to serve others by praying for them here’s a tidbit from yesterday and btw, most of these situations I knew nothing about. It was…interesting.

Kidney - Jigadijig’s (Laurie and Bill Clark’s) nephew was rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night, rejecting his transplanted kidney. I think God originally woke me up to pray for this kid. It was weird because everyone I know has good kidneys but I prayed anyway.

Transportation - Someone I didn’t even know but reads here is going on a Missions trip next week and the transportation from one long leg of their journey to their destination fell apart and yesterday they found a new transportation. Go B!

The call would come - and it did yesterday. My clients called and the papers are ready to bring their new son home from Nepal. They leave next Thursday to go pick him up! Yay Shannon and Kevin!

A job - one out of the blue and I was able to connect the “need a job” with the “need an employee”. What a blessing. thank you Steve!

That they get this house - and they did. After bidding 30% under asking because that’s all they could afford. Blessings. Yay Vicky and Dave!

And Lots of personal stuff that people are still struggling with.

We really are God’s hands people. “I will get down on my knees and I will pray”. Jewel 1:7 (ha!) This is so not by our power so why don’t we tap in?

Unbelief or Disbelief (two way different things btw) or What?

Now, how to capture that and stay plugged in is my question… See the Strategist/Activator kicking in…oh boy. Somehow I don’t think it works like that.

Do we really believe God is real and EXPECT him to show up in ways only God can?

I think I’m plain chicken. Wouldn’t want to lose too much of my spiritual decorum. 

 

someone called my name, whispered it loudly. i sat up and looked at the clock 2:12 a.m. dazed with sleep, i looked around for the source and then i remembered…i’m alone.

ok, Lord. I’ll pray…and so it has been this morning. i know some of the names that are attached to these requests, some i don’t-but i was compelled to pray specifically. maybe it’s for you.

a job. a broken marriage. to mend a relationship. courage. a mate. a broken heart. harsh words spoken. money urgently needed. someone is lonely, pretending not to be. someone is discouraged. be a better parent. a new job. cancer. school. transportation. living a lie. stronger witness. courage. gentleness. lay down their pride and ask for help. sickness. broken relationship. abuse. an affair. the move. to have a baby. to get married. to get out of debt. to be accepted. to be held. to be loved. to be forgiven. to have hope. direction. serious about their relationship with God. to be a nicer person. healing. health. to live for something bigger. to find God’s plan. that they get this house. another job request and another and another and so on. successful surgery. that they say the right thing. that they are more compassionate. be a better boss. be nicer to their children. stop yelling. be a better wife. transform their ministry. motivation. exams. income tax. safe travel. keep loved one safe. the call would come. a kidney. recovery. rehabilitation. court date. communication. forgiveness, again. clarity of purpose. to escape mediocrity. to dream again! to become hot as fire. to LIVE for Dustin and everyone else who can’t.

and for myself…that in the end, having worked through life’s minutia, i would have lived without regret. having been brave enough to embrace the plan God wrote for my life at the beginning of all time. regardless of where it leads. for richer or for poorer. to live for something bigger than self, and Own it. with confidence. and Love. serving others and in doing so, serve God. and that when rain does fall on the just and the unjust, i will still sing off-key while stomping and splashing joyfully through the puddles. because no matter what, in the end…i already know, We Win.

 

I’m in a lake.

 

Do we really want to go there? Do we really need to? Aren’t there more pressing issues to be dealt with?

Self-proclaimed enlightenment. No kidding? Do we really think we’ve finally nailed what it takes to really live as a “Christ follower” and everyone before us, with the exception Jesus, got it wrong? I was reading all around cyberspace yesterday and I have to tell you that the light from some of the “enlightened” had such a blinding glare that for the life of me, I couldn’t see any Jesus.

Be passionate. Be opinionated. Be convinced.  But BE in love. Even with other believers who have an opposing point of view. Even with the ‘conservative Christian’ (gasp! horror of all horrors, could I possibly be one?), ‘religious right’ or whomever we encounter with an opposing opinion. We have so much love and tolerance for the lost, the broken, the alien, the destitute and the unlovely yet, I heard disdain and condecension for our brothers and sisters in Christ.

We wear our faults openly like a medal and point in condemnation at another. Sin is sin and like it or not, we’re part of the same body. I can’t see what possible good there is in devoting any energy to the polarization of the body that I witnessed yesterday. We say things to each other that we wouldn’t dream of saying to an unbeliever.

I don’t want to be a part of just another loveless movement. Frankly, I’m seeing a lot of footprints of pride instead of footprints of peace. So we think we’ve got it all figured out? Well fabulous then we should be producing lots of fruit then right? Where? Where is our fruit? I mean Personally, individually not collectively. I mean mine. Yours.

There is a potential for abuse in anything. Even in our conviction and enthusiasm, we cannot allow this light to be so bright that it burns. Pass the aloe please, I think I was enlightened too long yesterday.

I had a God experience Sunday. The fact that it’s extrordinary enough to blog about is a little sad, really.

Roger was at the Sacred Shack in the woods so I went to church by myself. As I walked in and was greeting a few friends there, I saw and said hi to someone that I know, yet I don’t. We see each other at church, I’ve prayed about some struggles that she’s had in her life yet in the past 4 years our circles have never met in the gently spinning waltz of community. I don’t know her, yet at that moment last Sunday when I said Hi, like I had dozens of times before, I felt strangely compelled to get to know her.

I followed her into the small auditorium and down the theatre style seating and when I asked if I could sit with her, I think she was surprised. I felt awkward, like she must think I have an agenda. I didn’t, but I almost felt like I needed one. My only thought was that I needed to connect with her in some small way. During the service (a great message on FAITH by ijourney, btw) I kept being prompted to ask her to lunch. Life was busy for me Sunday so I quickly dismissed it.

The second the service was over, I heard myself ask her to lunch. My other self was scolding, telling me she probably didn’t have time, I had some work I needed to do, I needed to prepare for small group, on and on. Much to my surprise she accepted and we decided on a place close to church.

The conversation immediately ran deep. GOD deep. We parted company 3 hours later. I am much richer and knitted in spirit to yet another pilgrim on the WAY. I am reminded that on my journey of the WAY it’s not how tight the circle of ripples that make it beautiful but how many ripples there are.

Sometimes I think we’re so busy being “missional” that we miss half our mission. Our mission is not to protect our small circle of safe, like-minded people holding fast to the form and function, it’s about being purposeful in recognizing and reaching out to people that God brings into our periphery, inviting them in and continually adding to the form. To remain in a small group of people who think like I do scares me (really, it should scare you too). Inbreeding of ideas that eventually all look the same pale in comparison to those that are vibrant with the energy and spirit of many.

Often, what starts out as Revolutionary and a Spiritual Accelerant to the Way, slowly diminshes into just a drum-poounding where everyone sounds the same. Instead of being fresh wind to one another we become one dimension, mere Mirrors of ourselves. Our once Revolutionary Ideas grow hard and impenetrable from talking them to death, then they simply wither and die. We have to act on them to keep them flexible.

We must Go and Do. Sometimes our circles are so rigid God has a hard time getting in and God may look just like the person you pass and say Hi to for 4 years but don’t take the time to invite in.

  

FUNCTION

“A routine that returns a result”

Is there anything more obscene

than when we allow Function to replace our Fire?

and this guy captured it

 

Arthur Douet

 

 well said Arthur.

 

 

 

Ever look back on your journey and see

 a particular place

where you zigged

 and in retrospect are pretty sure

you should have had zagged?

 

I think there’s a lot of area inside the boundaries of God’s will sometimes. Decisions that we make are neither right nor wrong, they’re not disobedient or outside God’s will, yet they can change or direct our lives in certain ways.

I think it’s like God giving us a picture to color and all we have to do is stay in the lines. In the end, we may wish we had chosen different colors for some areas but we stayed inside the lines. In retrospect, I would have chosen a couple of different colors. What do you think? Is God’s will always specific and finite or sometimes do we just have to stay inside the lines?

 

 

It’s Fabulous!

 

Why do we put such pressure on ourselves?

I was talking with a beautiful young woman who was feeling really down about herself because she felt discouraged and useless instead of a vessel of the Holy Spirit and like God wasn’t using her at all.

She said every time she got close enough with someone to “pour into them”, they backed off and she was discouraged. She felt like she must not have anything of value to offer.

Each of us has had life experiences that have forged precious gemstones in us that we can share with others. Wisdom, encouragement, knowledge, love…

Having nothing to offer isn’t her problem, she’s really an amazing person whether she sees it or not! Her problem is that, like many of us, she is looking at it all wrong.

We are vessels of the Holy Spirit, yes, but in the form of a bowl and spoon, not a pitcher. We don’t “pour” ourselves into others but rather we are to sit waiting and open as a bowl of delicious life stew; that when some hungry soul wonders by our table, they may dip in and take as much of what we have to offer as they would like.

“Pouring” into someone means we’re in control of the “who”, the ”what” and the “how much” of our giving. The truth is, that is pride. It’s really God’s business who he sends to our table. All we provide is an open bowl of ourselves and a spoon.

 

 

How entirely cool is it that 4 women who only know each other through blogging would get together a road trip from Detroit to Chicago to give another a hand!

It’s official! A roadtrip to help Sistah Sally into some new digs!

July 7-9

It’s MOVING DAY!

I’m picking Kris up, then we’re mapquesting our way over to pick up Laurie and then we’re mapquesting our way over to snag Katie and then faster than a speeding bullet to the next state to Sally’s. Scissors, tape, markers in tow, oh yeah, and CAKE! ok…and maybe some wine.

How fun is THAT!