Is there such a word? Because you know I’m not opposed to making one up.
It’s the only way I know to explain it. Like I’m walking around today looking like me, sounding like me, going through the motions of me and yet…Everything looks and sounds a little odd.
I struck up a conversation with him, ==>> right over there, as I often do with people in this coffee shop. It began ok but after a while became a little weird and surreal as if someone turned the volume of our dialog way down. As he continued on with his monologue about his Life (happens to me all the time, I make a great PollyAnna), I wasn’t hearing him as much as I was completely keyed into his body language and facial expressions and something else that he was exuding, something unfamiliar to me. As I tried to read him and be in the moment…it hit me like a sopping wet sponge. FUTILITY. Loud and in bold letters. I didn’t recognize it at first, it’s so foreign to my thinking (Just call me Polly, I’ve managed to drop the Anna).
I’m trying to just ignore it now and focus instead on our intermittent conversation. (later) Ok, he’s not hearing me at all. Now the “love” I’m supposed to feel for this guy is on it’s hands and knees sneaking toward the door, great…thanks. Suddenly Self feels the need to move or go wash my hands so this stuff doesn’t get on me. (ok, maybe you should just call me Gwen and forget Polly and Anna)
What is Futility really about anyway and is it a mind over matter issue? Because if it is, someone should tell him. He’s still sitting right next to me, the Futility in his mind is visible now. Thick streams of gray hopelessness are running down his legs. I try not to stare at it and instead I concentrate on his mouth forming words I can’t hear. I’m not staring but I know they’re there…thick gray pools at his feet like some kind of heavy glue. It’s making the soles of my running shoes stick to the floor. I’ve got to get out of here.
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April 27, 2007 at 10:47 am
Pingback from trying to listen · We Move Forward with Hope
April 25, 2007 at 9:51 am
billclark
G.
This is an interesting tension that I’m not sure I’m ever going to fully understand. Practice is important (”train unto godliness”), performance is important (otherwise what’s all this talk from Paul about running races?) but transformation is what its all about (too many versus to mention) - but what’s cause? what’s effect? what’s the means? what’s the end?
Sometimes it seems like a gestalt test - the more you look at it, the more the images flip back and forth!
April 25, 2007 at 11:22 am
obahsomah
bill clark you are always thinking!
I think the performing part is to perform before one and only one…God. When we set out to proclaim and perform our deeds as something WE are doing, not something God is doing through us, then it is showing off.
Gwen…always getting me thinking way to early! Love you!
April 25, 2007 at 12:01 pm
awarriorprincess
maybe its where the energy is coming from to begin with? maybe when we expect nothing in return? Maybe when we project the shekina shine away from ourselves? maybe when we walk away without having flown our banner at all and make people want to ask “why”?
April 25, 2007 at 1:43 pm
parke
In some unhealthy situations there really is a sense of performance. I think that it’s worthwhile noting that sometimes we mistake things for performance that are healthy. For example, non-profits frequently tout what they are doing. There is a wrong way to do this, but they know that by touting what is being done (via the power of the supporters and with the energy of the receivers) encourages even more people to jump in. And there is a certain amount of that which you’ll see Paul doing in his letters. He praises what some people over here are doing in a letter that will go around so that others will be jealous to do good things.
There’s also an element of praising God. One of my roles in life is to praise God in my writing. Part of that is pointing out miraculous moments that are clearly all God. I think another part of that though is pointing out God at work in the community around me and in the lives of those serving.
It certainly does make for a complex situation to dive into.
April 27, 2007 at 9:11 am
Gwen
True Parke, I think when there is performance but it’s not for self, that there is a bigger picture for the good of others, that’s transformance.
When I think of Performance I think ritualistic and empty, just going through the motions because we were taught that Christians live a certain way or perform kind deeds. There doesn’t appear to be any life behind it.
April 27, 2007 at 10:19 am
parke
That’s fair.
April 27, 2007 at 10:23 am
Gwen
but sad…