So what did I think?
that I would be going to India tomorrow? Yep…pretty much, in retrospect, I think I did. It was such a difficult struggle, that surrendering of my will; such a monumental, against-my-nature-and-desire order from my Dad Most High that I go, that I thought I would be headed straight out. Truthfully, I’ve been struggling. The Activator in me has been doggedly searching for my vehicle there.
Then my Warrior man, the all wise-guy (pun intended) that God has somehow anointed for me to manage life in cooperation with, said “Stop. God will make it happen, if it’s meant to be”. Huh? I said, are you aware of what a struggle this obedience was for me? [Was I serious about his knowing I have strong-will issues? He didn’t even need to respond to that one, even I knew the answser to that question.] I just got the look and smile that is reserved especially for me in such situations. I have since been thinking about what he said.
“What if God was testing you as he did Abraham? God knew, out of all the things he’s tested your faithfulness with, an orphanage in India would be the hardest; what if He only wanted to know if you would go, but He’s not going to send you”….I’m still chewing on that thought.
The thought that He may still send me still has me so bug-eyed that I can’t celebrate the possibility of a reprieve. Wow. I realize as I’m typing that statement that it’s not such a noble statement from a self-acclaimed warrior princess is it?
I think I left my sword somewhere in the back 40 of that corn field maze I’ve been wondering in.
Then yesterday, I had lunch with aglointokyo. I’ve not known her very long, yet always. She’s a very wise woman, a faithful reader but rarely posts (although we would all benefit from your wisdom and insight! I know you’re reading glo, so Hi, and thank you very much for yesterday!) And I was sharing this struggle with her in search of wisdom from whomever God places in my path, and she says…essentially the same thing. Stop finishing God’s sentences for Him. (Only she was much more gracious than that)…Oh, but I’m so good at it.
So I wonder and wander. In my heart…I still feel like I am going to India…BUT the point of both of these prophets is, it’s not my decision to make. Ok, Lord, I hear you.
So I say in my best Captain Control voice…”awarriorprincess…Deactivate”.
In your time Lord, by your means, for your purpose, I surrender. ouch.
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April 27, 2007 at 10:47 am
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April 25, 2007 at 9:51 am
billclark
G.
This is an interesting tension that I’m not sure I’m ever going to fully understand. Practice is important (”train unto godliness”), performance is important (otherwise what’s all this talk from Paul about running races?) but transformation is what its all about (too many versus to mention) - but what’s cause? what’s effect? what’s the means? what’s the end?
Sometimes it seems like a gestalt test - the more you look at it, the more the images flip back and forth!
April 25, 2007 at 11:22 am
obahsomah
bill clark you are always thinking!
I think the performing part is to perform before one and only one…God. When we set out to proclaim and perform our deeds as something WE are doing, not something God is doing through us, then it is showing off.
Gwen…always getting me thinking way to early! Love you!
April 25, 2007 at 12:01 pm
awarriorprincess
maybe its where the energy is coming from to begin with? maybe when we expect nothing in return? Maybe when we project the shekina shine away from ourselves? maybe when we walk away without having flown our banner at all and make people want to ask “why”?
April 25, 2007 at 1:43 pm
parke
In some unhealthy situations there really is a sense of performance. I think that it’s worthwhile noting that sometimes we mistake things for performance that are healthy. For example, non-profits frequently tout what they are doing. There is a wrong way to do this, but they know that by touting what is being done (via the power of the supporters and with the energy of the receivers) encourages even more people to jump in. And there is a certain amount of that which you’ll see Paul doing in his letters. He praises what some people over here are doing in a letter that will go around so that others will be jealous to do good things.
There’s also an element of praising God. One of my roles in life is to praise God in my writing. Part of that is pointing out miraculous moments that are clearly all God. I think another part of that though is pointing out God at work in the community around me and in the lives of those serving.
It certainly does make for a complex situation to dive into.
April 27, 2007 at 9:11 am
Gwen
True Parke, I think when there is performance but it’s not for self, that there is a bigger picture for the good of others, that’s transformance.
When I think of Performance I think ritualistic and empty, just going through the motions because we were taught that Christians live a certain way or perform kind deeds. There doesn’t appear to be any life behind it.
April 27, 2007 at 10:19 am
parke
That’s fair.
April 27, 2007 at 10:23 am
Gwen
but sad…