A Warrior Princess

Trail Mix and Whimsy.
That’s my mood these days. Sweet, salty, crunchy, dry but tasty and all mixed up.

There are Thinkers and there are Feelers. I’m a Feeler, which is like saying there’s a little lake over on the west side of Michigan. Feelings are how I am led through life. Through keen perception and experience, I’ve come to trust them. Feelings are different than emotions, almost contrary in fact. Emotions can lie and shouldn’t be trusted. If I reacted from emotion every time someone hurt me or made me mad, I’d be a slave to emotions giving them power to control me instead of me controlling them. Not to say we can save ourselves from ever having hurt feelings, of course we can’t; it’s mastering our response to them that I’m talking about. We Feelers rely not so much on research and lists of pros and cons, statistics and data to make our decisions, it’s these Feelings…intuitions and promptings in spite of emotions. Feelings do not run on the same frequency as emotions, they compete; so if you want to tune in to them we have to dial the naturally-loud volume of our emotions down a bit. If Feelers never recognize the difference between the two and learn to master our emotional response, we end up riding bareback in the Daily E-motional Rodeo and find ourselves laying trampled in the arena of Life. Emotions/Feelings…two far different things. If you’re a thinker, you’re thinking I need a prescription about right now…and that’s ok I’m not going to get all emotional about that response. hehe.

For those of you still with me…
I’ve been reflective and I’m not sure why, that season shouldn’t be coming for a couple of months yet. I feel restless, like I should be preparing for something. I feel like it’s time to move on from some things but its not knowing the *what* to move on from that has me here in the same place. It is that hamster on a wheel thing, going through the motions but progressing nowhere. This is also the place and time that I cocoon inside myself. Odd that’s it’s coming so soon but I know well enough to allow it take me there. I will stock up on blue fine point pens and notebooks and in the midnight hours I will fill them to overflowing with thoughts and poems and stories and love notes in the margins and then talk about pollen and chewing gum in daily life. My spirit is in whimsy. I am not comfortable with whimsy…which is the very reason I have to go there. I know I’m moldable in that place, out of my comfort zone and control. I’m willing but I don’t have to like it, I just have to let it be.

My life is changing significantly in all my roles both public and private and all of it out of my control. Whimsy *and* out of control, my two favorites…I can’t wait. (Sarcasm dripping) It is amazing, when I think about it, our lives are not just impacted but literally shaped by many, many decisions made by other people, some we don’t even know…and we have to just wait for the pieces to be handed to us and then deal. So I wait. For what’s next. Wondering what awaits me. Wondering if/what/whom I will leave behind. The footprints I’ll be leaving on the place I’ve been…did I wear a path around myself in self-centeredness? or did my footprints leave a thousand paths all moving away from me and toward others in a patchwork of directions? did I do my personal best? (No, I didn’t. I already know there are big fat Failures, they raise their hands waving, deseprate to speak first.) Did I respond in love? Am I leaving it better than it would have been without me? Am I better for having been there? What lessons can I wring out of this place? Who was impacted by my passing through? Was it positive? Did they see the Shekina shine? (just google it). Yes, I know this is a lot of thinking for a Feeler…but that’s another topic.

After all is said and done, my control, my part, my responsibility comes down to just two things…footprints and fingerprints. Where did I go and whom did I touch? That’s all I got.

That’s all and that’s everything.

Not Attached To Outcome.

What would happen if we evaluated our achievements based on the number of times we Attempted something and not the Outcome of the attempt?

For me, it would completely remove that sick, disappointed, why-bother-anyway feeling that I have experienced over and over again when I have a dream, I’ve worked very hard toward making it a reality, finally worked up the courage to give it wings only to see it completely crash and burn on take off. I’ve recently discovered that I measure the entire experience by one segment of the process, the Outcome. Granted, Outcome is the purpose of the whole process to begin with but that’s just my point. What if we changed the purpose to the Attempt part of the process; the moment when we put wings to the Dream, say it out loud, release it and move in a direction toward it. What if we let go of the Outcome and give that part of the process to God? I can only imagine how much more I might accomplish even by accident.

I would risk so much more than I do now. (Ok, I’m scaring myself.)

Paradigm Shift - Release the Outcome. I am going full-tilt NATO, Not Attached To Outcome.

I’ve been thinking…

Just whose hands are these anyway…

mine or His?

Is there a difference?

I’m planting some love,
She just can’t cope.

I’ll be your strength,
He’ll be your hope.
Joy Cometh!

Is there such a word? Because you know I’m not opposed to making one up.

It’s the only way I know to explain it. Like I’m walking around today looking like me, sounding like me, going through the motions of me and yet…Everything looks and sounds a little odd.

I struck up a conversation with him, ==>> right over there, as I often do with people in this coffee shop. It began ok but after a while became a little weird and surreal as if someone turned the volume of our dialog way down. As he continued on with his monologue about his Life (happens to me all the time, I make a great PollyAnna), I wasn’t hearing him as much as I was completely keyed into his body language and facial expressions and something else that he was exuding, something unfamiliar to me. As I tried to read him and be in the moment…it hit me like a sopping wet sponge. FUTILITY. Loud and in bold letters. I didn’t recognize it at first, it’s so foreign to my thinking (Just call me Polly, I’ve managed to drop the Anna).

I’m trying to just ignore it now and focus instead on our intermittent conversation. (later) Ok, he’s not hearing me at all. Now the “love” I’m supposed to feel for this guy is on it’s hands and knees sneaking toward the door, great…thanks. Suddenly Self feels the need to move or go wash my hands so this stuff doesn’t get on me. (ok, maybe you should just call me Gwen and forget Polly and Anna)

What is Futility really about anyway and is it a mind over matter issue? Because if it is, someone should tell him. He’s still sitting right next to me, the Futility in his mind is visible now. Thick streams of gray hopelessness are running down his legs. I try not to stare at it and instead I concentrate on his mouth forming words I can’t hear. I’m not staring but I know they’re there…thick gray pools at his feet like some kind of heavy glue. It’s making the soles of my running shoes stick to the floor. I’ve got to get out of here.

I’m posting this picture just because I love it.

I love my job. I really do. I know  my purpose and passion in life is to live Christ through this professional outlet. The one thing I don’t like…being judged by what I wear and what I drive. It’s the old “if you don’t look good, you must not be very good at what you do or you could afford better”. I hate that but that’s the way it is.

Today, I’m grateful that I’m seeing past clients; people who are confident of my gifts and abilities in this field without the suit. I’m wearing capri jeans and sandals and they’re making me lunch.

Let’s all clink our glasses to “what lies beneath”.

This is not a nice post. Sometimes the truth isn’t nice. But Nice doesn’t set you free either.

Yesterday, I found I have a button that when pushed, makes me completely crazy. (I know, I know, I need to get a handle on this. I’m working on it.)

It’s the “I can’t” button. The excuse button. The “I would but…” button, the “it’s too hard” button. Hey, I’ve been there. Most of us have at one time or another, in one way or another. Some of us worse than others. Some of us created our own circumstances and then blame God. ei yi yi. Of course there’s times when we fall into the defeat pit, we all do. God knows I’ve worn a rut there…but!…we can’t Live there. Some have moved their furniture in and have no intention of moving out. “I can’t” and “it’s not my fault” are nothing but excuses.. 

About our tough circumstances…IT IS WHAT IT IS, deal with it! Cry about it once in a while, fine. Ask others to hold your hand and walk you through it, good! But know this…our circumstances will never circumvent our Purpose.

It’s quite simple really. If we were unable to live our Kingdom Purpose OUT in the set of circumstances in which we are in, then God would have put us in a different set of circumstances. Period.

Whatever our circumstances, whatever our station, there’s not only a place for Purpose, we are there FOR the Purpose. For God’s sake stop obsessing in the reflection of self and look beyond YOU to your sphere of influence. There are Divine Appointments waiting and you’re not answering your door.

Oh btw, you can forget those spiritual gift assessments, I scored high on Mercy.

Art by Stephen Bell

Synergy! Is an amazing thing…

We began a New Higher Ground class last night.  I admit, I don’t usually study or teach from curriculum studies like Beth Moore or Joyce Meyer(s)? for many reasons (um…like I thought/think they were too canned and maybe more than a little lame), but I found myself dry and uninspired a few months ago and out of desperation, halfheartedly explored this one. Oh boy…this one hits a bulls eye my friends. Living Beyond Yourself. I think you can do it on line right now at her website.

Completely. Life. Changing. IF you…allow it.

They have missed Higher Ground as much as I have. Do you know what it’s like to be part of a packed room of very busy women who are determined to change their lives and the lives of those they touch? Who want to LIVE life to the fullest every day? Powerful. These women scare me and intimidate me to the core, but I think that’s a good thing. 

I believe we can change the world one moment at a time. This past couple of weeks or so, I committed myself to concentrating on living beyond myself, thinking first about others that God would bring into my path. I wanted to consciously respond through the qualities living in us through the Holy Spirit. Galatians 5:22-23. Love, Peace, Patience, Goodness, Kindness, Gentleness, Faithfulness and Self Control through serving whoever God brought across my path. You cannot believe the number of people that God brought to me. Not always heavy or serious but people that were lost, ran out of gas, a little boy fell off his bike and no one was around to help, a conversation with more than one person who felt they were in a desolate wilderness. One of them, I didn’t even know.  All I did was be open and aware of my circumstances.

I want to live an amazing life waaay beyond what I am capable of living on my own. I wish you all could join us. Synergy is so powerful, so energizing, so healing. It overcomes. You just can’t help it.

It never fails…just before I begin teaching a principle at Higher Ground He takes me through it first personally…some way, somehow. You’d think I’d remember that and manipulate my topics wouldn’t you We’re beginning a 12 week study on “Living Beyond Yourself” next week. Here I am clicking along in life amidst all the things in which I excel…and suddenly I have every kind of need/concern/problem interruption imaginable from outside sources.

Just like yesterday when I got saddled with someone else’s problem client because the agent didn’t bother to show up at a closing which was rife with his buyer’s mortgage problems. I had my own clients to worry about AND his. I wanted to leave them hanging, afterall, they weren’t my problem. I wanted the agent to look as bad as he was. In the end I took very good care of all of them even if it was grudgingly internally. My vision was distorted and narrow, focused on my stuff. When I’m not looking at a situation correctly, seems the situation will exhaust me no matter how minor. I just don’t have the correct energy to deal with it. Last evening it hit me as I sat down with a heavy sigh to prepare for this study…Living Beyond Myself…oh yes…here we go, evidently I need a refresher. It took me long enough to recognize it.

Then, last night I dreamed all night long. I don’t usually dream and when I do it is rarely about me. In my dream, Roger and I were hosting a big outdoor dinner party. We had a bonfire and twinkling lights in the trees just like we used to. Most of our old/good friends were there and many people that I have never met. Good food and conversation, lots of laughter. Next thing I know, the whole group was walking down the dirt road by the Shack (our little place up north in the woods), shovels in hand, going somewhere to dig a well for somebody which turned into building a little structure of some sort. Even my dream was about living Beyond Myself. I think I get the message…

The dream also made me realize how much I miss our parties with friends, people who challenge us. I’m hungry for their meaningful conversation. I’m weary of empty conversation with people who don’t really want to know or be known, weary of the facade of verbosity.

I want to Live for something beyond myself. I Must.

I’m processing this thought…

in the past, Christians have entered a situation of serving by charging in on their white horse with the Jesus banner flying and a trumpet sound proclaiming to all the world they are a representative of Christ and therefore, this deed I’m about to perform is because I’m a Christian and this is what Christians do.

What we should do is enter a situation of serving people because this is who we are, what our character requires of us and oh by the way, we’re that way because Christ transformed us.

We should live our lives with the emphasis being on trans-formance not per-formance. There’s nothing amazing about performance, all that is required for that is practice. You don’t even need a heart.